Richard Simmons

By Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0

Estimated to have helped the human race shed a whopping 12,000,000 pounds over the last 35+ years, Richard Simmons is primarily known for unifying two of our favorite things, sweating and oldies, the combination of which has been shown to be more effective at melting fat than fen-phen and to do so without the unwanted side effects.

Disappearing from public life around February 2014, rumors began to swirl that Mr. Simmons was either being held hostage by his housekeeper or that he was undergoing gender reassignment surgery.  Around March 2017, and after conducting a welfare check, the Los Angeles Police Department issued a statement that nobody was holding Mr. Simmons hostage. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Simmons filed a lawsuit against the Hollywood Reporter and the National Enquirer in which he claimed that they defamed him by publishing stories stating that he was transgender and had undergone a number of medical procedures to change his sex. Until we receive further information, we will assume that this Dick is not missing his Richard.